Living a Double Life

02.24.16 by Jordan S.

You always hear people tell you to just trust God. They say, you just have to have faith. I have faith and I totally and completely put my life in God’s hands… or that’s what I told myself 8 short months ago.

My name is Jordan. I am 29 years old and I have been a believer since I was young. I’ve always loved God and tried to be the woman of faith He wanted me to be. Sure it’s easy to have faith when the road is smooth, but what about when things seem to spiral out of control?

Jordan post 1 first imageMy husband and I have been married for close to 4 years. About 10 months ago, we agreed that we wanted to try to start a family. I’ll also have you know that I had obsessively been tracking my cycles and scheming about how to get pregnant. Within 2 months I was pregnant and was pleasantly surprised at how fast it had happened! Wow, that was easy.

It’s incredible what I was capable of doing… since I wasn’t giving God any of the credit. We immediately started thinking of names, how to announce it, what the room would look like, and preparing to be parents. I was about 6 weeks along and was filled with blissful joy.

I remember the day it happened. The day the spiraling began. We went to see his family one Sunday afternoon for his grandpa’s birthday, secretly holding in our new parent-to-be joy. That’s when it started. The bleeding …a lot. With each passing moment I became more and more emotional; in total shock and horror at what was happening. I was having a miscarriage.

why-1-150x150As the days passed, I became very confused and angry at God. I remember thinking, “How could you let this happen, God? How could you do this to me, your faithful servant?” Obviously not one of my finest moments of trusting God, but I was in total shock that He would allow this to happen!

I became withdrawn and depressed. Resentment began to build and jealousy of any pregnant woman I saw. Salt was added to the wound when we found out our close friends had just become pregnant. How dare she? Let’s just say I was on a bit of a tirade at this point.

I went to a doctor to confirm the miscarriage and see if there was anything I could do differently next time. Hence the word “I” in that sentence… I was forgetting to trust God. While the doctor was doing an ultrasound he discovered a 5 cm cyst on one of my ovaries. He explain that it needed to be removed as soon as possible.

Jordan post 1 operation“Wait a minute, God,” I thought, “First you give me a miscarriage and now I have to have surgery? Just great!”

To top it off, they told me they might not be able to save that ovary. So now I might lose an ovary. Well, that wasn’t in MY plan.

It wasn’t a month before I had had the surgery, and the doctor was able to save my ovary. I was relieved. Perhaps the Lord had used the miscarriage to inform me that I had a growth inside me that put my reproductive system in peril. Thank you, Jesus.

“So… let’s get to making that family”, I thought. After we had so patiently waited a month to begin trying again, the doctor told me I needed to wait at least one more month (screeching halt).

“Are you serious?” I questioned. “I am not getting any younger and this wait is not on MY agenda… but I’m starting to learn more about trusting you, God.”

After the next month, we began trying for a family once more. At this point I had become so tired of trying to control what happened and trying to plan everything just right, that I just gave up on my perfectly planned agenda. Then it happened. It was confirmed I was pregnant for the second time!

Jordan post 1 expectationsThis time I didn’t know I was expecting until I was 8 weeks along. “Hallelujah,” I declared, “God has put the worst behind me.” There is no reason this one won’t go well.

I praised Him and gave Him glory and decided to not worry about the pregnancy, no matter what. I began diligently praying. This time was going to be different as I had decided to finally trust God whatever happens.

So my husband and I began planning. This was it and we were ready. We picked out a birthing center and at 11 weeks I had my first appointment. Everything was perfect. God was good.

Just to be sure, I waited until after that to tell our families. Two days after sharing the news, we headed to my first ultrasound appointment with excitement. I had been experiencing morning sickness, so I knew the pregnancy had been going well. We were ready to see our tiny developing baby.

The midwife was doing her magic and we were moments away from seeing our little one. As the picture became clearer on the ultrasound, the midwife became more quiet, and it seemed harder for her to find it. “This is normal,” I thought “they just have to find it…right?”

Jordan post 1 sadShe sent for her supervisor to get a second opinion. As the supervisor looked at the screen, she said the words that I will never forget, “I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s a viable pregnancy.”

I have to admit that as she told us that the fetus wasn’t sustainable and I would mostly likely miscarry, I thought to myself, “I knew it. I told you so, God. This was too good to be true.” I was having a major moment of weakness and the news had definitely shaken my faith.

The day after the ultrasound appointment I was at work. I was so tired of trying to regain control and I began to pray for God to give me strength, and I felt a hope for the future. As I was praying, I felt that God told me that He had had a plan for me all along, and that I JUST needed to trust Him.

That was the moment I gave it to him. I gave up on MY plan. I put it all in his hands and said, “I completely trust YOUR plan for my life… and I’m OK with it.” A couple hours later I began my second miscarriage. The miscarriage was much worse than the first one because I was further along.

I was extremely heartbroken as I was experiencing the process of losing this child. It was but shortly thereafter I felt it. I felt my Heavenly Father’s loving arms around me.

Something happened after that miscarriage that was completely unexplainable. I’m not sure if it was the people praying for me or that God had been chipping away at my heart the whole time— or a combination of the two— but He gave me a strength that I had never known.

Jordan post 1 giftHe gave me a peace I had never known.

He gave me a joy I had never known… and it was only the very next day!

I felt alive and filled with His Spirit. It was like He whispered in my ear “All may seem lost, but I have not forgotten you. You are my faithful servant.”

Many people this week have asked me how I’m doing and how I’m coping with the situation. I cannot help but pour out to them how good God has been to me and how I trust Him without question, even after loss. Some are quite taken-aback. Others are inspired.

Through this whole experience, God has had a wonderful and intricate plan for my life, which at times I could not see. It was only when I completely and hopelessly put my life in His hands that He showed me the way.

I feel as though scales have fallen from my eyes and I can now see. Jesus has taken my burden upon himself and in return given me peace and joy… and that, uncontainable.

Jordan post 1 footstepsI may not know exactly what the future holds, or when and how we will hear the patter of little feet in our home— but you had better believe that as life unfolds, I will work with every ounce of strength to keep my eyes locked in to the footsteps of Jesus, trusting Him unconditionally and giving Him glory every step of the way… no matter what.

To sum it up. My husband and I have lost another child. And more than our loss is the child’s loss… losing an entire lifetime on this earth. And yet strangely, I am motivated… motivated to live a double lifeto live for myself and for this childto live with double integrity, double fearlessness and double boldness.

There’s more to this story, though… my dreams and the prophetic words and prayers that have come from this community and are impacting me on a daily basis. How about I save that for next time?


March 26, 2016

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